~~~ nostalgia ~~~


nostalgia is an escape... yes?
nostalgia, what is it, a fantasy? is life a fantasy?

things are so bad, we've retired our bald eagle as our symbol and instead replaced it with a vulture (just heard that on "wait wait don't tell") . ..shit... well, i digress..

basically, yes, with the world crumbling around us, both with wars and financial demise, i find it easier and easier to try and block it all out and instead retreat to denial..

there is no denying any of it when you are in the thick of it...

who would have ever dreamed that so many things would be converging..

financial cuts and layoffs and labor rights being undermined, wars on almost every continent .. poverty and pain.. wow..

people not being able to make it on a full time benefited job, losing homes and well.. it just goes on.. i have friends and family all struggling..

so is it any reason why we don't try to find a way of forgetting it all and dreaming?... nostalgia, there were better days, there will be better days?... dreaming of the feelings we once had and dreams we once dreamed?

i recently saw "midnight in paris".. after seeing the stein collection show/picasso etc.. all nostalgic for me... wanting to move from my gloom and doom, my sadness with the local government politics i'm involved in now, fighting for labor, having wished my youngest son good spirit and luck as he entered the military this past week, it's difficult at times to keep my head up and smiling... so off to the movie i went, in hopes to escape... oddly.. this movie was about nostalgia..

a yearning for the past, often in idealized form, i went to escape from my present, my deep immersion of late in the government structural imbalance and my personal sinking with several losses in my life.. loss has layers and for me, when there are several going on at the same time, the impact is like being in the ocean, being hit by a big wave, only to get up again to be hit by another oncoming wave, to get up to the last one slamming you down into the sand grit....

I had that experience as a young girl body surfing, and it comes to mind describing loss for me today..

key:  i keep getting back up.. last night i reached for nostalgia to help steady me, it allowed me to dream again, seeing artists and authors in the movie of midnight in paris, and reliving how i felt walking the rainy streets of paris only 9 months ago.

I let the tears come finally.. with my son entering the military, i've held a lot in.  I didn't cry the last few days spent with him.  Even when he and I recently spent 4 days alone together, away, I didn't let the tears come.  I did share my love, but I just knew he was bothered by my tears.

So when the screen opened last night with the rainy streets along the Seine, the Eiffel tower, the Montmartre, the Blvd. St.Germaine... I let myself cry finally. 

That is when it hit me, that just 9 short months ago, like a pregnancy, i was excited with life and felt hope again, and just as when a baby is born, there are some postpartum blues.. mine feel longer than postpartum, the changes in just 9 months have been significant.

My art has almost completely come to a halt in the past few months other than my sketches, a few photographs, a few paints.. but all the projects I have in the studio are just sitting there..

What is that warrior that just continues to raise his sword over and over fending off the next monster?... yes, I'm sure we all have stories like that going on in our lives... the fastrack of life and the societal pressures, and the technological streaming of every negative happening we can absorb, makes for a long hard slog... hence, retreating to nostalgia isn't something that is that abnormal..

Remembering my father nostalgically reminiscing and telling stories, my mormor too.. I sometimes feel nostalgia comes with age, and I still feel so.  But lately I feel it is almost a necessary place in my brain to retreat to. 

Sitting here, I just told myself, "ok, snap out of it".... what's in front of you?...

After tackling the waist high dry weeds today, I will search the projects and find something to create today, ok, well, at least I've made a goal for my day.


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