Saturday, September 24, 2011

heating up the inward intensity

my spirit is still strong
but the intensity i feel 
about certain injustices 
are taking a toll on my mental and physical well being

once again i set out to reconnect
with my self; grounding again with nature
with music and art, poetry
universal love

i slip into the rut of despair at times
i find myself feeling worthless
while doing the worthwhile
i am willing

i will move forward
i am not giving up
the strength is there

the world feels like the square
 i am the round peg not fitting
this is not a new awareness
it is just more intense

a coworker recently said
"you care too much"
that may be so
i care

energy has been
and moving
outward for some time

it's time for
for inward

like great music
art too
is a retreat

almost a year ago
i thought i was
beginning a
new chapter

i see


sometimes old songs have new meanings... 

and this newer song, when you listen, in a more general way, not one love relationship, but 
when you listen to the song with the "whole" of looking back in your life and 
also looking ahead at where you may be traveling.... where i am traveling...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

be brave...

it always happens: i come home from a day of negotiations, feel stifled, feel like nothing is heard, and end up wanting to shout and make some sort of noise.

sometimes i swim, sometimes i walk, sometimes i rant and sometimes i paint.

lately, i feel very closed about expression.

i start to mull over what action i can take.

i rationalize that small steps are good, and better than none.

i still feel very frustrated and see the obvious shutdowns of free speech around the world, the nation, the state, counties, and cities and workplaces to be a huge ugly disease.

I just watched a video and read a story about a Wall street media brownout, did you hear about this on your tv the other day?  I'm guessing you didn't. Be sure to scroll down and watch the police and the protesters.

The fear is palpable these days.  Those in power do not want to hear our frustration and our concerns or recognize there are very large imbalances ballooning exponentially.  Instead of looking at the root and coming to see and hear people's legitimate anger as valid; crushing the voice, singling out people that stand up, punishing or reprimanding those that risk doing the right thing for the whole, is becoming commonplace in everyday operations.

It's not enough to be quiet anymore.
It's right to continue to voice concerns.
It's time now to be brave.
(thank you to my fellow coworker for her braveness)

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight, but I needed to write, maybe i will walk, and then see what comes.

Friday, September 16, 2011

~~ PEACE ~~

I've  posted a discussion topic on my art page at facebook. 

Peace seems to be one of those words that feels unattainable, but it is attainable.

What will you do?  Join the discussion.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

... the journey...

Quite the process... well, I dub myself a process painter, so that fits, but to unbury my studio space and go through 10+ years work has been quite an ordeal for me, and it feels like I'm excavating and investigating: seeing my voice evolve.

I have been sorting out my work from the past 18 years, and seeing the mass quantities of drawings and paintings made in life drawing and painting classes is overwhelming.

Memories of the time the work was made in, memories of the explosion of creativity i have been emmersed in;  it's been an emotional dig.

I am documenting the work (some has never been photographed) so I can then reuse the material or discard it. Though this is not professional documentation as in a portfolio style, it seems tedious too.

I use many layers in my work, and so I am both excited to be able to discover some of the old work again and to see the threads of continuity in my expression. On the other hand, I have difficulty seeing that any of it should be thrown out as it documents my journey. I may for now decide some is ready for reuse, the other is ready (most likely in an unfinished state) to be set aside for another review...

... the problem is space..

My art professor at Mills, Hung Liu, gave me a good foundation for exploration. It is nice to hear her voice and her story again in this video, and to be reminded of her teachings. I recently saw her work in the San Francisoc airport leaving for Europe this past November. On the way to the airport, I said hello to her by chance. She was eating in a restaurant with printmaster David Salgado, they were taking a break ... what a treat to see her again. When I saw her work hanging directly over the boarding gate I was taking that day, I felt it was a definite sign for me, of good fortune.

And so begins my story of the Europe trip, a whole body of work still to be created.

I just have to keep going forward.

Here are a few older pieces found today in reorganizing.

and p.s.
is this
not cool?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

... it is what it is...

well... how appropriate... i'm feeling pretty discouraged tonight after a long day at the negotiation table.. i didn't doodle or draw, instead took notes on specifics that management spoke about. It's apparent they are unwilling to make much concession.

as labor day rolls around, i reflect on my own working history, a myriad of different labor jobs.. including construction for the phone company, climbing poles and in trenches splicing cable, waitressing part time so i could stay home with my babies, dental assisting, managing in pacbell to middle management working on process improvement... my escape from the corporate world came when management was going to institute a 12 hour work day while i had a teenager at home.. nor was i willing to sell my soul. i decided i wanted to work for the schools or the libraries.. I wasn't interested in a big paycheck, just some basic health benefits and a retirement for working "x" amount of years.

Working as a substitute teacher I finished my art degree, I found part time work in the library.. 10 plus years later I find myself working or shall i say, standing up for labor (myself included) that can barely stay afloat with the encumbrances now of the economic decline and the public perception that public employees, civil servants are just not that valuable. Of course what would it be like a day without the public employee?

Dare you imagine? Sure there's news about the overpaid/double-dipping managers that come back and reap a huge salary at retirement and collect also a big chunk of money as a contract employee? right? same thing in the corporate world..

The majority of your public service employees are a paycheck away from the street. And won't command any high paid retirement either. Most are hard working and care about the public, that's why they are there.

so... why am I writing?... my reflection has to do with the larger picture in how i see the world around me.

there is no value anymore for longevity in a job... in fact, now the norm is no one stays in a position longer than 3 years because they are moving to the next best thing..

there is no value for experience and true customer service either.. instead we've all become accustomed to not getting a real answer to our questions, not getting a tip to where we can find our solutions, having to follow up on our own in the doctors office, not even seeing a doctor at times, not even getting our fast food order correct, let alone having the person taking your money knowing how to count change back properly...why?... complacency.. there is a huge wave or sweep of complacency and an attitude of "i don't care" out there now, more than i've ever seen it...

well.. imagine ... no don't imagine.. in fact, don't even care... there are no solutions right? everyone is too busy to stand up, too scared for their jobs to speak out, too tired and fed up at the end of the day to show up to a meeting, too resigned that nothing will change, that they have no voice and are powerless..

so?... if that is the way it is?... you'll have to settle for what you get.. it's clear that if you don't show up, you better shut up..

it doesn't really take that much, raise a hand and say yes, i'll distribute a flyer, yes, i can write a letter, yes, i'll speak up when there are clearly rights that are violated.. ??? anyone?